Sep 5, 2026
Like a Pavlovian dog, the bell rings, and I salivate, but in my case, it’s not a bell and saliva — it’s a circumstance that irks me, and I get irked.
A conditioned response. There are variations of the theme, but I am finally becoming more aware of what that “bell” is for me and, in that awareness, is freedom. I’ve always wanted to be free. Could this be one of the gifts of aging beyond those lovely varicose veins and hot flashes? A growing sense of freedom? I hope so!
I’ve been listening with a lot of interest to the work of the author and therapist Terry Real recently. Real is the creator of Relational Life Therapy and the Relational Life Institute. If you care about relating and getting along with other people, I highly recommend it. I dream of a world where this type of material is a prerequisite to being a leader of a company (or a country!).
Similar to Marshall Rosenberg’s seminal work “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion” and his teachings at the Center for Nonviolent Communication, which he founded to mediate conflicts in war-torn regions, these types of modalities can stop war between countries and certainly between two people. This is miraculous! If a miracle is a shift in perception from fear to love, as it states in “A Course in Miracles” that is often quoted by the author and teacher Marianne Williamson, whom we’ve hosted at Lead with Love, then we are able to create miracles by offering a different version of ourselves in conversation, regardless of what the other person says or does. That is freedom.
In his book “Fierce Intimacy,” Real mentioned a quote he heard in a documentary he saw as a young man about the philosopher Krishnamurti that really stuck with him: True freedom is freedom from our automatic responses. I think this quote greatly influenced Real’s work that focuses on what he called the Adaptive Child vs a Wise Adult. The adaptive response is extremely self protective and ego-driven. It’s enticing, as it feels right and important and necessary, but so often, it blocks the opportunity to truly relate with another who may also be engaged in a conditioned or adaptive response creating a vicious cycle. It takes two people to start a war, says Byron Katie, another one of our Lead with Love alum. One person can stop the war by elevating themselves. Pause. Breathe. Choose.
I’ve spent enough time around spiritual teachers to know this is really the gist of so many of these teachings, to de-couple the stimulus and response and be aware of the freedom to choose your response to reference yet another of my favorite and most admired authors and teachers Viktor Frankl.
My hope is that, by referencing a few of these enlightened beings today in this column, that you will take the time to look them up, either discovering something new that can be helpful or remembering something you already know to ponder, inquire and engage in self reflection to determine what part of you is showing up for conversations with your spouse, partner, kids, family member or coworker. Is it an adaptive or conditioned aspect that is rigid, controlling, withdrawn or retaliatory? This is deeply humbling work, and it is the work that creates miracles and can shift fear to love. This is what will help us realize the dream I think so many of us have for a more peaceful, just and sustainable world. We can lovingly leave behind the parts of ourselves that keep us bound in patterns that perpetuate fear and cause war and find freedom from the known a.k.a. a miracle.
This post originally appeared in my monthly column in The Aspen Times.
